| Symptom |
Cause |
Corrective Action |
| Feet cold and wet. |
Glass being held at incorrect angle. |
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet. |
Improper bladder control. |
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training. |
| Beer unusually pale and tasteless. |
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Bud Light. |
Get someone to buy you another beer. |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. |
You have fallen over backward. |
Have yourself leashed to bar. |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes. |
You have fallen forward. |
See above... |
| Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. |
a. Mouth not open.
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face. |
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. |
| Floor blurred. |
You are looking through bottom of empty glass. |
Get someone to buy you another beer. |
| Floor moving. |
You are being carried out of the bar. |
Find out if you are being taken to another bar. |
| Room seems unusually dark. |
Bar has closed. |
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and find nearest fire escape door. Run. |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. |
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. |
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside. |
| Everyone looks up to you and smiles. |
You are dancing on the table. |
Fall on someone cushy-looking. |
| Beer is crystal clear. |
It's water! Someone is trying to sober you up. |
Punch him. |
| People are standing around the urinals, talking or putting on makeup. |
You're in the ladies' room. |
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit, and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional). |
| Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. |
You have been in a fight. |
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. |
| Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. |
You've wandered into the wrong party. |
See if they have free beer. |
| Your bedroom is painted grey, has a concrete floor, and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk. |
a. You're in jail.
b. You're in the Navy. |
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach. |
| Your singing sounds distorted. |
The beer is too weak. |
Have more beer until your voice improves. |
| Don't remember the words to the song. |
Beer is just right. |
Play air-guitar! |